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November 02, 2005
Introducing Larry Lindenbaum
Larry Lindenbaum is not like anyone you've ever met. He's loud, abrasive, charming, and wouldn't feel the least bit uncomfortable going toe to toe with Bill O'Reilly. In fact, its been reported on a Merry Swankster tribute message board that he was the first person allegedly called when I allegedly ran into some trouble in a Turkish prison.
The esteemed Mr. Lindenbaum will be contributing on a semi-regular basis his take on the state of music, as well as ranting on the New York sports teams in which he is a minority owner. Without further ado, I present you Larry Lindenbaum's debut:
Shalom, Mi Gente!
My name is Larry Lindenbaum and I am a revered Attorney from a little place called "Money-Makin' Manhattan". I have an opinion about anything and everything, and have been given the opportunity to share my weekly rants with a column on merryswankster.com. So sit back, open your minds, and be enlightened my little Gentile grasshoppers…
Mike Jones, the rapper (and I am using that term EXTREMELY loosely in reference to him) most widely known for releasing his real phone number in the song "Back Then", was in Denver, CO last night performing with Twista, the outrageously rapid lyricist whose flow is delivered so quickly, only the Micro-machine man can appreciate his verbal skills. Indeed, this is America - land of capitalism and democracy, equal opportunity and affirmative action - yet I have a legitimate issue with the fact that a moron with the intelligence of the Grey Goose bottle I just polished off can be making more money than I will ever see by simply screaming out his name over a simplistically-produced beat. "MIKE JONES! WHO? MIKE JONES!"
Are you serious? Is this a joke? I keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out from behind a tree to tell me I am punk'd, to tell me that this is all some huge, conspiracy-laced ploy to get back at me for all the ball-busting I have done to people my entire life. This guy is a clown straight out of Barnum and Bailey's Circus! Zero originality - the platinum and ice on his teeth; the 20 idiots standing behind him bouncing around to his songs like the Oompa Loompas as if they liked it, yet secretly plotting his murder out of jealousy. All of his beats sound the same, and lyrics about ho’s and life in the ghetto are tired. That all definitely justifies him being a millionaire!
Let me sum him up in one statement, kids: IF HIP-HOP HAD NOT BECOME A TRAIN-WRECK THAT NOW ALLOWS FOR ANYONE AND THEIR MOTHERS TO CUT A DEAL, HE WOULD BE MOWING MY LAWN AS WE SPEAK.
I have more to divulge on this topic, but that is enough for now. I will conclude this week's discussion on hip-hop with a list of the top 5 lyricists of all-time according to me, Larry Lindenbaum, Attorney from Manhattan and Hip-Hop Connoisseur. Obviously this is a subjective list, but my credibility is far superior to anyone’s. I studied hip-hop in-depth for eleven (11) years and worked in the industry for four (4) years.
T1. Notorious B.I.G.
T1. Jay-Z
T3. Eminem
T3. Nas
T5. Big L
T5. Rakim
T5. Tupac Shukar
In other important news, my beloved New York Football Giants abused the Washington Redskins in a way similar to how Ike Turner used to beat up that chick. The Giants are the real deal and it has made my fall a lot more exciting. Not so sure this will be the case this winter with my Knicks; however, I do have some predictions for their up-coming season:
1) Jamal Crawford will commit many turnovers.
2) Eddy Curry will probably die of a heart murmur before the 12th game of the season.
3) Anfernee Hardaway will have his 4th grandchild.
4) Stephon Marbury will buy some expensive jewelry.
5) Someone on the team will give birth to an illegitimate kid.
6) David Lee, the only white person on the team, will begin to act like he is black.
7) Larry Brown will contemplate killing himself.
8) The Knicks will either miss the playoffs or get destroyed in the first round.
-Posted on behalf of Larry Lindenbaum, who made me sign 37 pages of release forms before agreeing to join the Swankster team. Email Larry.
Tags: Larry Lindenbaum, Mike Jones, Hip Hop, NBA
Posted by Merry Swankster at November 2, 2005 05:36 PM
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